Posts tagged ‘Search’

I’m a Coward


I’m a coward because I haven’t sent out for my file again. My bank account has seen its fuller days…planning a wedding and saving up for a car have made sure I have very little disposable income lying around. To be completely honest I’d have to admit that it’s actually a little more than the money thing that’s holding me back. I could have saved up the money I needed. I could have eaten out less or waited to put down a deposit on a wedding gown. The real reason I haven’t done it is because I’m a coward.

See, I’ve spent 23ish years building up a sort of sense that I DO matter and I AM important and I AM worthy of love. I’m afraid of what the truth might do to my somewhat fragile façade. I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve just begun to admit to being Asian and slowly embrace my heritage. I am really not sure just how to go about steeling myself for whatever the truth really is.

How do I know when I’m ready? How do I know what to do when the envelope comes and I find out (or don’t)?

I know I’ve let myself down as well as anyone else following my story. And I’m sorry.


August 10, 2010 at 7:36 pm Leave a comment

Back Again (ish)

I’m back again. Sorry to have been gone yet again. I seem to be hanging out more on my other blog and worrying about my wedding and saving up to buy a house. It’s nice sometimes to try and be a “civilian” and not think about things so much.

I never did mail any money to my adoption agency after I got the money back from my apartment complex the way I said I was going to here. I ended up using it on Christmas presents and pushing the file to the back of my mind.

Yes, I am ashamed about it. And I know I can’t talk about missing my first mom or being angry about things having to be this way if I’m not actively trying to change things for myself. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been gone.

That and it can be totally emotionally draining to think about the loss and what it really means to me.

So as of today I have forty dollars sitting in a jar in my bedroom closet. I keep tossing loose change and any single dollar bills in there. I have to do it this time. I HAVE to. I owe it to myself. And even if I don’t deserve my natural family, my future kids deserve to know their medical history. My future husband deserves to know if my medical history says I might keel over from some genetic anamoly in three years.

So NMama, if somehow you have awesome English skill and are reading this now, I’m sorry. I still feel like I don’t deserve you and that you still won’t want me.  And some part of me really feels like YOU should find ME since it’s YOUR fault we’re apart.


your darling daughter

February 17, 2010 at 10:20 am Leave a comment

Some Extra Cash!

Our apartment complex told us that we are going to save 300 dollars on our rent this month because I referred them to my employer’s corporate discount program!

I have all of my christmas either bought or budgeted out, and with the wedding date pushed back (i.e. more time to save up for that…) I finally have a little extra cash for me to dedicate to finding my mom. I’m going to send for it next week!

What a sweet/bittersweet Christmas gift this paperwork will be…

November 24, 2009 at 8:35 am 1 comment

A Tidbit of Information

When I sent away for my file last week, I posted a status update about it on facebook, hoping to share the news with my other adopted friends. I had forgotten that I had recently become facebook friends with my stepmother and that she would also see my status update. When she came back from vacation, she must have checked it and told my Dad that I was looking for my file because he called me, telling me not to shell out the money for it. I was shocked to hear he had a file, any file related to my adoption. My adoptive mom is a little controlling  and I cannot imagine her allowing such important paperwork to be split between two different homes, two different people.

My spidey sense went off again when he told me “You can have it as long as you don’t tell your mom I have it”. When I tried to ask why he had papers separate from what my mom had, he quickly backpedaled and tried to tell me that what he has was different. Since that conversation four days ago, he has told me several different, conflicting things about why he has it. I don’t really care to delve deeper into his lies, I just need my information. I went over to his house

Saturday afternoon to get it from him. I was hoping it would have some non identifying information, or some sort of link that would jump start my search. I was not sure what to expect, but was anxious to see it. When I got there, he tried to tell me that I could not take it home with me. That he would give it to me to keep when I was older. I am now 22 years old. Exactly how much older should I be before I am allowed to have my truth?  Eventually I was able to persuade him to allow me copies of the information.

Fast forward to today, four days later. I have the paperwork. It sits in a stack on my desk, waiting for me to pick through it with a fine tooth comb. Most of the information in it is related to post adoption information. There’s a sheet from my well baby checkup after my parents adopted me, a medical sheet with information that flew with me on the plane, and a couple of pages with information on Korean books and culture to share with your new Korean adoptee.

 There is one thing that sticks out. It is a worn out looking piece of paper, handwritten with sort of a time line on what happened with me after I was left by my biological parents. It says I was left by “unmarried parent” at Dae Jeon “Foster Home”. I don’t really know if this is a foster home, an orphanage, or with a foster family. I am not really sure what they meant by that.

It appears from the time line that I lived at the Dae Jeon foster home from August 24th until September 11th, when I was transferred to another in Seoul. I am trying to take everything at face value, and to read between the lines, but my mind is spinning with the knowledge that I was kept for a month and some change before I was relinquished.

Wherever my family is, I know they TRIED. They wanted to keep me, and they tried to keep me. I got to be with her for a month. An entire month. Having information to look at is mind blowing. It makes everything so real. Where I was once able to turn my back with no hope, I am now obsessing over the smallest details on a 22 year old piece of paper as if I could see their faces in it the more I stare at it.

The information isn’t much, but it is enough to give me hope that I may in fact be reunited with my family and reclaim my truth.

July 15, 2009 at 10:36 am 2 comments

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