Posts tagged ‘Gratitude’

2009

“THREE, TWO, ONE….HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Everyone around me kisses and takes celebratory shots of some kind of sweet liqour as the year officially becomes 2009. Instead of joining them, I stand in the thick of things sobbing. My heart feels like it’s breaking, I feel sad and alone even among a crowd of people.

“What’s wrong, Katie?” John asks me, looking concerned.

“I’m never gonna know her am I?” I bawled. “This is just one more year I’m not gonna know her.”

My heart was swollen with my sorrow at that moment in my drunken vulnerability. I let loose my emotion, completely sobbing in a rigid posture off to the side by myself, not at all caring who saw. 

I was sad for the years of my denial, my dishonesty, my betrayal of my adopted self.  The years slid by before my eyes, one after another filled with self-loathing, confusion, and doubt. I can’t take another year where I lie to myself, hurt myself, and live in haze.

I dry my tears and walk away to be alone for a second. I close the bathroom door and compose myself the best that I can. When I can finally breathe without shaking, I wash my hands and leave the bathroom. 

It doesn’t seem anyone has noticed I was gone. But to me, that is the story of a lifetime. I cause trouble, raised hell as a child because I craved attention from my parents. It didn’t matter if the attention was negative. In fact, negative attention was easier to come by, because being good was too hard and my little sister had already cornered the market on that. I screamed, cried, kicked, fought, cussed, and bitched so others would hear my voice, be forced to admit I was around, forced to recognize my pain. I could not stand for my mom to walk away from me or to ignore me. I would try my best to catch her attention in any way possible. I needed that attention to know that I existed.

Now that I am adult I prefer more to blend. I stay behind the scenes, still needy and desperate for love and admiration, but armed with the knowledge that no one likes a needy bitch. I crack jokes, I laugh, I eat, sleep, and shower. I do my best to pretend as if everything is okay, maybe just to lure myself into that delusion. 

John finds me and comforts me as best he can. Asks me what’s wrong and kisses me on the head. I can tell by his lazy smile that he’s as drunk as I am.

He loves me. I can see it every time he looks at me. It’s the most unconditional thing I have ever experienced. I’m not a void he’s trying to fill in his life, but someone he got to know and still chose. I will never again say that my adoptive parents “chose” me. They would have adopted another child if not me. John is the one that chose me. The only one.

“Nothing’s wrong” I finally say, kissing him back. “Everything’s okay.” 

Everything’s okay.

For now at least.

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January 1, 2009 at 2:47 pm Leave a comment


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