Posts tagged ‘Fear’


I never thought I would want to have kids. Never. I always thought of myself as a feminist, an independent type of person, someone who needed adventure and mystery. I couldn’t imagine having a child to keep me back.

Right now I’m 22, my fiancé and I just moved into a larger apartment with a spare bedroom and a second bath. This is my largest place ever and I feel like we are really becoming a family, him and I. As I work on planning our wedding, I think a lot about our future. I think of buying a house, settling down, and making babies with him. And when I think of the babies, I get this strange sensation inside. A little bit of excitement, and a little bit of longing.

I was always fascinated by pregnant women. Their round, full bellies seemed magical to me. I could never help but stare at these women out in public as though I was sort of drawn to them. I remember being a child and going up to a “pregnant” mannequin and lifting up her shirt to feel her belly only to be punished by my mom for touching things. Even now as an adult I am still mesmerized by expectant moms. I look at their beautiful bellies and am completely in awe that there is a PERSON in there.

I do want to do that. I want to carry a baby in my belly, bond with him, sing to him, laugh with him, and bring him to life. I want to see that he knows me, that he is familiar with me. That he is the only person that might ever really know me because he came from me.

That is where my parenting worries begin. I sort of fear the fact that I so so want a child, that I want to carry one so much. I feel like part of me is being really selfish bringing a child into the world, as volatile and crazy as it is. And yes, there are a lot of children in foster care that really need people to care for them. But I just don’t know if I can live without knowing what it’s like to feel a primal bond between mother and child. Is it too much to ask for that bond to heal a little piece of my heart?

I know it is too much to ask of any child. Doesn’t that make me just as bad as my parents? Adopting a child to fill a void is just as bad as having a baby to fill up the piece where my mom should be right? Even as I write this, I’m in complete turmoil with myself over it. I can’t really rationalize how I feel, but I know that these feelings are raw and not going anywhere anytime soon.

Is it rational to fear that I might not be able to conceive? No. Not particularly. I’m young, in my prime baby making years, and to my very limited medical history knowledge I have no health concerns.

Most of this comes from the fear that I might never get to understand the bond between mother and child. I didn’t have a primal bond with my adoptive mom. The bond I have with her is based more on our shared history than anything else. I am terrified that I won’t be able to find my natural mom and that even when I do, there won’t be room for a meaningful relationship since the language and cultural barriers are so huge. And then there is the chance that she may not even be alive.

I feel as though getting some of what I missed might heal me a little. Just a little. On the other hand I’m scared that it’ll make it worse.


September 25, 2009 at 8:34 am 2 comments

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