Posts tagged ‘Abandonment’

Fears of Abandonment/Tainted Love

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There is little if nothing in my life that adoption has not somehow tainted for me. I look at my past, my relationships, my reactions, my struggles and can see how I struggle because of my invisible handicap. I wonder how different I would have been without adoption touching everything I am. Would I be more outgoing? Less afraid of rejection? More willing to put myself out there? I imagine I would be similar to the person I am today, only that life, that Katie would not be shadowed by her sadness.

 My adoptive mom once said to me “You don’t even KNOW what love is.” Through tears I insisted that I did know what love was and that I loved her and was sorry for whatever mistake I had made. I always said I was sorry and “I love you”. I used it as a plea, as a cry for help. “But I love you,”.

 Whatever I had done at the time was enough for her to be terribly angry with me. She would use her anger against me and hold a grudge against me for days for whatever I had done. I would yearn for her to be happy with me again, to love me. I’d write her notes and leave them under her door. “I’M SORRY MOM, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.” Sometimes she would forgive me and show me love again, allow me back into her good graces. Other times she would be cold and difficult to understand. Eventually the ice would thaw and things would be right again.

 I love you mommy. Yes, I love her. I do. She is my mother. For all the bad and good, she is the one who raised me, who taught me. But did I say those words out of love, out of wanting her to understand I loved her? Or out of fear that she would leave? “Please don’t leave me, I love you.”

 I think the latter is more honest than the former. I said that to John one terrible night when he stormed away from me and I, crushed and in tears, cried “You can’t leave, I love you!”. I tell him all the time that it hurts me to be left. That I hate for him to walk away. That it is terrifying to me for him to walk out and slam the door. Yet, it’s hard for him to understand. He knows he’s not leaving for good, just walking out to get some air and clear his thoughts. Rationally, I know this as well, but nothing can bring me to my knees like the fear of abandonment.

 I am more afraid of abandonment than anything else. Whether I think they will leave me by choice or be taken from me by reasons out of my control, I am unsure. But I worry in my heart that anyone important to me will leave me, and I will be completely alone. As a child when I was not acting out in order to push people away, I was constantly paranoid that an accident was going to take my parents away. I would be parentless again and probably sent to live with my adad and stepmom. Or my aunt and uncle. When my adoptive dad and stepmom would leave, I’d be afraid I’d never see them again. When the phone rang I’d be sure it was news of something terrible.

 Now more than anything I fear the loss of John. Because he is perfect to me and our love is beautiful and I am undeserving. If he doesn’t leave me because I am not social enough, not exciting enough, not dynamic enough, I am afraid he will be taken from me by whoever it is that thought I should have him for this time in my life. I’m too young for a love this honest. It can’t be for real. I keep trying to make him leave before he chooses to leave or gets taken from me. I don’t think I could stand up straight without him in my life.

 I am so angry that I have this unnatural, crippling fear. It’s unfair that every relationship in my life has to be touched by such anxiety. This is not how it’s supposed to be. I should not have to approach love with a feeling of angst. What did I do in a past life to deserve such pain? To lose my parents, and constantly be afraid to lose everything else? What is so wrong with me that I deserve always feeling like the bottom is about to fall out?

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May 4, 2009 at 11:26 am Leave a comment


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