Adoption Quiz Time

I stole this from my awesome friend Christina who posted it on her blog “Out of the Fog”. If you haven’t been to her site yet, check it out! She’s a great writer and always has something interesting to say. I love hearing her POV on things.

1. How old were you when you were adopted?

I was maybe four months old? Allegedly born in July and adopted in late November.

2. How were you told you had been adopted and at what age?

I can’t remember a time I didn’t know. But then, it’s hard to hide it and lie about it when you are a different race.

3. Were you ever spoken to in a negative way about being adopted by friends, classmates or family members?

Not particularly by my adoptive family…But classmates were known to ask questions like “Why didn’t your real mom want you?” and things like that. Which I suppose are valid questions, even questions I ask myself. But they hurt me a lot at the time.
4. How did you handle questions or comments about your adoption?

Back then? Yikes. I’m sure I was full of sunshine and cupcakes about adoption. I really did believe those sickeningly sweet things I spouted about adoption. I think mostly it was a coping mechanism. Now I keep my statements short, simple, and factual. I don’t speak of it much because it is so damn personal and it’s hard to verbalize it sometimes.

5. Did you ever seek out your birth parent(s)?

Yes/no. As you can see from reading my blog, it’s been really difficult for me to get started on my search. Fear is holding me back at this point. I’m a coward, I know.

6. Were your adoptive parents supportive of your decision to meet or to find your birth parent(s)?

I haven’t given them the chance to be supportive because I haven’t told them. I’m not emotionally ready for that conversation or for having to be responsible for how other people feel about the situation.

7. What made you want to find your birth parent(s) or to meet them?

Natural curiosity. The need to know someone with my same DNA. The desire to find out where I came from and to know I’m not really alone.

8. Has adoption affected you positively or negatively?

More negatively than positvely. But there are some good kernels of happiness that have come to me too. But really more in spite of it than because of it.

9. Do you have siblings? Biological or adopted?

My adoptive sister is a domestic adoptee.
10. If you have adopted siblings, was it beneficial to have someone you could relate to?

We don’t really relate about adoption. She has too much on her plate to be able to open up about how it’s affected her. Right now we’re not able to have those conversations.

11. Do you view adoption in a positive light?

Not really. But it’s not adoption per say that I hate so much. It’s relinquishment.

12. Would you like to adopt? Why?

No. I don’t really feel that adoptees make good adoptive parents. I think there would really be too much reparenting of our old selves to really do any good for a child.

13. Any advice for adoptive parents whose children may be experiencing negative feelings about being adopted?

Acknowledge the loss. Help get them into therapy with a counselor who has experience in treating adoptees.

14. What would be your number one piece of advice for adoptive parents?

Again, acknowledge the loss. That is huge.

15. Anything else you would like to share? Anything prospective adoptive parents or those who have already adopted should know?

Culture and heritage are huge. Understand that diversity is beautiful and if you adopt interracially you need to ensure your child is well immersed within their heritage. It’s who they are and if you love them, you love that part too.

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March 5, 2010 at 8:36 am 3 comments

Poverty and Relinquishing Moms…A Fairy Tale??

Um…NO.

I really don’t know why I bother sometimes. I was visiting this site today and reading a post about how a young woman and her husband are trying to adopt a baby. She states in the article that their combined income is less than 13,000. Can you imagine? I mean, I make double that and with my fiance’s income we are close to three times that. And it can still be a struggle! Especially in a down economy!

I made the simple mistake of asking them how they planned to support their child. I don’t know their situation. Maybe they have a really great support system or whatever. I don’t know! That’s why I asked! I stated that it was ironic to me that they would be trying to adopt in such a similar financial situation that generally causes women to relinquish.

And Grand Meister Douche had this to say:

Jim Upchurch

February 17, 2010 at 10:43 am

Ryan & Noel,

Congratulations and best wishes! Don’t be discouraged by the negative comments. They do have points that need to be considered, but if we’re talking anecdotally, I’ve heard both positive and negative stories (mostly positive) from those who’ve been adopted.

kateiskate,

The irony is your logic, not the situation.

You said, “A lot of children are surrendered to adoption because of money issues.” You state this as something you know, but I’m not sure that’s really even knowable. Do you have research to back this up? It would probably be better to say, “my guess is…” or something like that.

But even if a lot of children are surrendered because of money issues, you don’t know if this is true of the child the Cordles will welcome into their family. They’re just beginning. They don’t even know the situation of the “possible” adoption yet, so how could you?

This is what really grates on me regarding those who say “adoption is always evil.” To say that means that you think you know everything about every situation anywhere. I grant that sometimes adoption is wrong and there are terrible abuses and mistakes. But that doesn’t mean all adoption is evil. If you have a beef with how your situation turned out, then warn people of the specifics of your situation. But don’t pretend that you know everything about every situation

Okay, um first of all, if you scroll back through the comments, I definitely didn’t say “adoption is always evil”. I didn’t really say anything bad about it at all. Epic fail, dude.

What bothers me here is the total lack of education that people have about adoption. Of course poverty is one of the main causes of relinquishment. Agencies hound women and make them feel like crap because they can’t afford diapers or formula. Babies are expensive! Over the course of a child’s life it can cost around 184,320 to raise a child.

184,320!!!!!!!

Here are some articles I found on poverty in relinquishing moms just in a quick five minute google search. I’m sure if I looked a little more I could find hundreds of links just like these!

This study by the University of Queensland found that relinquishing mothers were “predominantly in the lowest income group”.

http://espace.library.uq.edu.au/view/UQ:7920

 This article says that “The decision to relinquish a baby appears to be a consequence of an unwanted pregnancy experienced by an economically deprived single mother”

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2208982

 This article talks about the coercive tactics agencies use on pregnant women. Including, guess what? Using poverty to convince women they aren’t worthy of their babies.

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20090914/joyce

 This one says “Poverty is the leading cause of relinquishment”.

http://www.birthmothers.info/infant.pdf

 Poverty IS one of the leading reasons that women relinquish. I hate that there are uneducated people out there trying to convince people there aren’t.

Women are constantly told they are not good enough and should give their child to a family who can give their baby the pony, the pool, and the house in the cul de sac. If all of these things fall through and your child will be poor anyway, what is the point of giving your child away to be poor with someone else? There really is none. At that point it becomes about being honest and stripping away the facade.

Personally I’d be surprised if this couple qualifies to adopt based on their income. If they do, I hope they do some very valuable research into some of the deeper, darker parts of adoption no one really likes to talk about it. And take it from me, you can’t get information about adoption from people who haven’t been there. That’s like telling people who’ve had cancer that you know what it’s like. You can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

February 17, 2010 at 12:10 pm 14 comments

Back Again (ish)

I’m back again. Sorry to have been gone yet again. I seem to be hanging out more on my other blog and worrying about my wedding and saving up to buy a house. It’s nice sometimes to try and be a “civilian” and not think about things so much.

I never did mail any money to my adoption agency after I got the money back from my apartment complex the way I said I was going to here. I ended up using it on Christmas presents and pushing the file to the back of my mind.

Yes, I am ashamed about it. And I know I can’t talk about missing my first mom or being angry about things having to be this way if I’m not actively trying to change things for myself. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been gone.

That and it can be totally emotionally draining to think about the loss and what it really means to me.

So as of today I have forty dollars sitting in a jar in my bedroom closet. I keep tossing loose change and any single dollar bills in there. I have to do it this time. I HAVE to. I owe it to myself. And even if I don’t deserve my natural family, my future kids deserve to know their medical history. My future husband deserves to know if my medical history says I might keel over from some genetic anamoly in three years.

So NMama, if somehow you have awesome English skill and are reading this now, I’m sorry. I still feel like I don’t deserve you and that you still won’t want me.  And some part of me really feels like YOU should find ME since it’s YOUR fault we’re apart.

love,

your darling daughter

February 17, 2010 at 10:20 am Leave a comment

New Rule

New rule:

Please email me before you link to this blog from your own. You can find my email beneath the contact tab above.

Thanks for your cooperation.

January 5, 2010 at 9:44 am 1 comment

Status Update

Sorry to have been gone so long…

I haven’t had as much time to write lately with all of the things that have been going on in my life. Sometimes it seems as though life kind of goes in spurts where there are full stretches of frenzied activity and then some slower time where things are kind of normal. I notice as I’ve gotten older that the lull time where the pace slows down get shorter and shorter.

I made it through the holidays without any major breakdowns. Without any tears or sadness. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I can try to believe that my Korean family doesn’t celebrate Christmas anyway. And there is peace in that delusion because I can try to just be one part of myself and celebrate with my adoptive family and my fiance without feeling as though I don’t really belong.

With this new year I hope to gain a little bit more peace as well as hopefully another piece of my history. I look forward to becoming a family with my fiance, and all of the little things this strange life has to offer us.

January 5, 2010 at 9:41 am Leave a comment

Some Extra Cash!

Our apartment complex told us that we are going to save 300 dollars on our rent this month because I referred them to my employer’s corporate discount program!

I have all of my christmas either bought or budgeted out, and with the wedding date pushed back (i.e. more time to save up for that…) I finally have a little extra cash for me to dedicate to finding my mom. I’m going to send for it next week!

What a sweet/bittersweet Christmas gift this paperwork will be…

November 24, 2009 at 8:35 am 1 comment

My Silence on National Adoption Month

This month is known as National Adoption Month. A lot of my adopted buddies and the people whose blogs I peruse have written about it. I thought about writing a post each day of this month, or at least writing a post about it. But mostly I decided to forgo posting about NAM and focus on what really matters….

Wedding planning.

Just kidding. But National Adoption Month was not meant to be about me, my adopted sister or buddies, or my adoptive mom, or even my natural mom. It was meant to be about spreading awareness of the need for adoptive families for foster kids. I don’t want to take away from that, because people really could use an education on what Foster Care adoptions are all about.

November 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm 9 comments

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