Back Again (ish)

February 17, 2010 at 10:20 am Leave a comment

I’m back again. Sorry to have been gone yet again. I seem to be hanging out more on my other blog and worrying about my wedding and saving up to buy a house. It’s nice sometimes to try and be a “civilian” and not think about things so much.

I never did mail any money to my adoption agency after I got the money back from my apartment complex the way I said I was going to here. I ended up using it on Christmas presents and pushing the file to the back of my mind.

Yes, I am ashamed about it. And I know I can’t talk about missing my first mom or being angry about things having to be this way if I’m not actively trying to change things for myself. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been gone.

That and it can be totally emotionally draining to think about the loss and what it really means to me.

So as of today I have forty dollars sitting in a jar in my bedroom closet. I keep tossing loose change and any single dollar bills in there. I have to do it this time. I HAVE to. I owe it to myself. And even if I don’t deserve my natural family, my future kids deserve to know their medical history. My future husband deserves to know if my medical history says I might keel over from some genetic anamoly in three years.

So NMama, if somehow you have awesome English skill and are reading this now, I’m sorry. I still feel like I don’t deserve you and that you still won’t want me.  And some part of me really feels like YOU should find ME since it’s YOUR fault we’re apart.

love,

your darling daughter

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Entry filed under: International Adoption, Loss, Mothers, Search. Tags: , , .

New Rule Poverty and Relinquishing Moms…A Fairy Tale??

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