Archive for February, 2010

Poverty and Relinquishing Moms…A Fairy Tale??

Um…NO.

I really don’t know why I bother sometimes. I was visiting this site today and reading a post about how a young woman and her husband are trying to adopt a baby. She states in the article that their combined income is less than 13,000. Can you imagine? I mean, I make double that and with my fiance’s income we are close to three times that. And it can still be a struggle! Especially in a down economy!

I made the simple mistake of asking them how they planned to support their child. I don’t know their situation. Maybe they have a really great support system or whatever. I don’t know! That’s why I asked! I stated that it was ironic to me that they would be trying to adopt in such a similar financial situation that generally causes women to relinquish.

And Grand Meister Douche had this to say:

Jim Upchurch

February 17, 2010 at 10:43 am

Ryan & Noel,

Congratulations and best wishes! Don’t be discouraged by the negative comments. They do have points that need to be considered, but if we’re talking anecdotally, I’ve heard both positive and negative stories (mostly positive) from those who’ve been adopted.

kateiskate,

The irony is your logic, not the situation.

You said, “A lot of children are surrendered to adoption because of money issues.” You state this as something you know, but I’m not sure that’s really even knowable. Do you have research to back this up? It would probably be better to say, “my guess is…” or something like that.

But even if a lot of children are surrendered because of money issues, you don’t know if this is true of the child the Cordles will welcome into their family. They’re just beginning. They don’t even know the situation of the “possible” adoption yet, so how could you?

This is what really grates on me regarding those who say “adoption is always evil.” To say that means that you think you know everything about every situation anywhere. I grant that sometimes adoption is wrong and there are terrible abuses and mistakes. But that doesn’t mean all adoption is evil. If you have a beef with how your situation turned out, then warn people of the specifics of your situation. But don’t pretend that you know everything about every situation

Okay, um first of all, if you scroll back through the comments, I definitely didn’t say “adoption is always evil”. I didn’t really say anything bad about it at all. Epic fail, dude.

What bothers me here is the total lack of education that people have about adoption. Of course poverty is one of the main causes of relinquishment. Agencies hound women and make them feel like crap because they can’t afford diapers or formula. Babies are expensive! Over the course of a child’s life it can cost around 184,320 to raise a child.

184,320!!!!!!!

Here are some articles I found on poverty in relinquishing moms just in a quick five minute google search. I’m sure if I looked a little more I could find hundreds of links just like these!

This study by the University of Queensland found that relinquishing mothers were “predominantly in the lowest income group”.

http://espace.library.uq.edu.au/view/UQ:7920

 This article says that “The decision to relinquish a baby appears to be a consequence of an unwanted pregnancy experienced by an economically deprived single mother”

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2208982

 This article talks about the coercive tactics agencies use on pregnant women. Including, guess what? Using poverty to convince women they aren’t worthy of their babies.

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20090914/joyce

 This one says “Poverty is the leading cause of relinquishment”.

http://www.birthmothers.info/infant.pdf

 Poverty IS one of the leading reasons that women relinquish. I hate that there are uneducated people out there trying to convince people there aren’t.

Women are constantly told they are not good enough and should give their child to a family who can give their baby the pony, the pool, and the house in the cul de sac. If all of these things fall through and your child will be poor anyway, what is the point of giving your child away to be poor with someone else? There really is none. At that point it becomes about being honest and stripping away the facade.

Personally I’d be surprised if this couple qualifies to adopt based on their income. If they do, I hope they do some very valuable research into some of the deeper, darker parts of adoption no one really likes to talk about it. And take it from me, you can’t get information about adoption from people who haven’t been there. That’s like telling people who’ve had cancer that you know what it’s like. You can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

February 17, 2010 at 12:10 pm 14 comments

Back Again (ish)

I’m back again. Sorry to have been gone yet again. I seem to be hanging out more on my other blog and worrying about my wedding and saving up to buy a house. It’s nice sometimes to try and be a “civilian” and not think about things so much.

I never did mail any money to my adoption agency after I got the money back from my apartment complex the way I said I was going to here. I ended up using it on Christmas presents and pushing the file to the back of my mind.

Yes, I am ashamed about it. And I know I can’t talk about missing my first mom or being angry about things having to be this way if I’m not actively trying to change things for myself. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been gone.

That and it can be totally emotionally draining to think about the loss and what it really means to me.

So as of today I have forty dollars sitting in a jar in my bedroom closet. I keep tossing loose change and any single dollar bills in there. I have to do it this time. I HAVE to. I owe it to myself. And even if I don’t deserve my natural family, my future kids deserve to know their medical history. My future husband deserves to know if my medical history says I might keel over from some genetic anamoly in three years.

So NMama, if somehow you have awesome English skill and are reading this now, I’m sorry. I still feel like I don’t deserve you and that you still won’t want me.  And some part of me really feels like YOU should find ME since it’s YOUR fault we’re apart.

love,

your darling daughter

February 17, 2010 at 10:20 am Leave a comment


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