Making Friends

October 20, 2009 at 4:39 pm 1 comment

Today I went out for a spa date with a good friend of mine. She’s been my friend for a couple years now. We ‘re former coworkers. Like most of my friends, she didn’t like me when we first met. It took a while for us to get to know each other before we were able to be friends. K’s husband is in the military. They’re probably going to be moving back to their hometown soon, about three thousand miles away. I’m already missing her and our friendship.

This morning at the spa we got to talking about another mutual friend. She moved away earlier this year. Went back to her hometown to finish her education and get away from her estranged husband for a while. S was a good friend to me. We were good enough friends that I could really be honest with her about my adoption and my sadness. She was really a great support to me in a time of deep depression. I miss her almost every day.

It’s always been hard for me to make friends, especially with women. I don’t trust people very easily, and I always feel awkward when I meet new people. But my friendship with S is one I was proud of because I was able to break of my shell to initiate a true, solid relationship.

After the appointment I got to thinking about how all of the people I get close to end up leaving. I wonder if there’s a subconcious thing going on in my mind attracting me to people who will leave, almost enticing me to befriend people who will eventually have to walk away. It doesn’t seem to be just coincidence that I have very few lasting relationships. Over time, most people I connect with, drift away from me. This subconscious attraction is opposite of what I would hope for. I desire permanent, loyal relationships, yet I bring myself good, but fleeting friendships.

Could it be that I’m setting myself up to replay abandonments? It seems that I end up in the position of the one who gets left rather than the place of the leaver. I know I’m a good person, worthy of love and friendship, but at times I worry that I’m subconsciously setting myself up for failure.

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Eyes How Will I Look When I Get Old?

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Caroline  |  December 11, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Hi I can relate so much to this post as an adoptee, I feel like I cannot sustain friendships and relationships like there is something blocking them or I sabotage them through distrust and cynicism, thanks for sharing. Caroline

    Reply

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