Today’s Thoughts

July 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm 1 comment

My loss and anger are rearing their ugly heads because it is now less than until my so called birthday.

I’m trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to drown in my sorrow.

 When I was a little girl, I would cry while people sang “Happy Birthday” to me. I would shut my eyes and blow out my candles and cry a little bit more. On my eighteenth birthday, I bawled when my adoptive parents gave me a card telling me how much they loved me and how proud they were. I did not know then that the source of my tears was utter sadness. I did not recognize my mother’s absence because I was taught not to miss her. This year I miss her very much. I have noticed myself becoming more and more agitated the closer Tuesday gets.

As feelings of longing intensify inside my core, I snap at the person closest to me (John) and am downright unpleasant to be around. I worry that I have begun to drive him away. That my thoughts, my fears, and my pain are causing me to push him to leave me before he decides to do so on his own.

This is something I struggle with more this time of year. I am most unloveable on the anniversary of the day she left me. What will I do instead of tearing my relationships apart? I understand why I am doing what I am doing, that’s step one.

But now how do I prevent myself from sabatoging what is so important to me? How do I break the cycle and really move on?

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Entry filed under: adoption, Loss. Tags: , , , .

Step One July 14th

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. spangie  |  July 10, 2009 at 8:38 am

    i’m sorry sweetheart… i wish i could make it all go away… but i do understand…. May is the same way for me.

    I think you’re already done the most important step… recognizing the cycle… talking about it…

    j has learned that i’m grumpy around my for the month surrounding my birthday… and he knows it has nothing to do with him or how much i love him… he understands it’s painful….

    have you talked to john about it? share with him what’s going on inside…. and that you just need some extra love… that’s what he’s there for.

    Hang in there… we love you… and rach and i even have a little surprise coming your way 🙂

    Reply

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