Inadequate Literature

June 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm 5 comments

borninkorea

I was poking around online this afternoon trying to decide whether or not I wanted to finally mail away the paperwork and money to request my non identifying information when I stumbled across a book called When You Were Born in Korea: A Memory Book for Children Adopted from Korea. Right in the preview of the book were the words “When you were born in Korea, there were many caring people who helped you along the way to your family. They were very important to you then, although you were too young at the time to know just how much they meant to you.”

I could almost feel my blood sugar spike from the sugar in the sickly, too sweet kool aid drenched all over the book. Honestly, those kinds of words are the reasons I was in denial so long. Not only was I confused as hell about being adopted, being Asian, and being different, but now people are in my face about the fluffy aspects of the situation. Um, no. People were NOT helping me TO my family. They were TAKING ME AWAY.

Where exactly is the truth in this? Where is the honesty? I get why it was written. I get it all right. I got it for 21 years. Be happy you grew up with a family that loves you. Fuck that. I was born with a family that loved me and I’ll miss them if I want to!

My parents bought me a couple books like that when I was little. One of them was a story called Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies about a little boy and how he came to be with his adoptive parents. Nowhere in that story is any mention of why he is coming to his adoptive parents. It was as if he was dropped out of the sky and had to walk to his parents. To me it’s really no wonder that my denial was so thick. How could I miss my mother out loud (or even consciously) when it is though she didn’t exist?

Where is the book that says “It’s okay to miss your first mommy and first daddy”? Where are the TV shows that show how much pain adoptees carry around without making us look like psychotic freaks? Where are the images of the reality of adoption and how it affects us?

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Forgiveness Take a Second to Help our Cause

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Fakeemailandsomeoneyoushouldgetusedto  |  June 12, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    You need to be fucking grateful for what you have!

    Do you have any idea how this is gonna make your parents feel?!!! They were trying to help you because they CARED! They didnt STEAL you.

    I can only hope that other children that are adopted will be grateful for the love their family gives and not dedicate their lives to talking about how terrible it is to be given a home.

    Go to hell.

    Reply
    • 2. kateiskate  |  June 12, 2009 at 4:52 pm

      Hi Teri! Thanks for stopping by my blog from Yahoo! Answers. Hopefully you can learn a little bit about some of the different perspectives transracial adoptees have on things. A lot of emotions adoptees feel are not populized in the media so a lot of people new to adoption are surprised to learn about all of the pain we experience. Thanks for your kind words and posting a comment. I welcome you to stay and read and share your thoughts.

      Reply
  • 3. Nikki  |  June 13, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    Right on!! – That book and the ones you grew up reading are an emotional pat on the back for the adoptive party, disguised as a self-book for the adoptee. Ugh.
    Miss your first mom and dad all you want, they did love you, it’s only natural that any parent would.

    Reply
  • 4. Stephanie  |  June 19, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Most girls and womem who surrender their children to adoption don’t do so by choice. Usually they’re low income, have low self-esteem, have been conditioned to believe they are not “good enough” for their children and hardly have family and friends rallying around them during their pregnancy. How do I know this? I was pregnant at 17 and lost my firstborn son to adoption one week following my 18th birthday. I’ve attempted a reunion but he’s now rejecting me.He’s nearly 22. I can’t go back in time.

    When I think about what happened and how the supposed “decision” was made in the space of 5 months, I have no paperwork whatsoever related to the legal “contract” I signed. I think about how I was a teenager dealing with social workers by myself and now I don’t believe all the blame hangs on my shoulders. I think it might help you to read Ann Fessler’s The Girls Who Went Away – it will give you an idea of the lifelong feelings of pain and powerlessness that losing a child to adoption can cause the mother. Maybe stop blaming your mother and look at the issue from a societal standpoint. I can tell you right that if family preservation was policy and was made law you would have been raised by your natural mother (and/or relatives). Anyway…

    Reply
    • 5. kateiskate  |  June 20, 2009 at 8:34 am

      Hey,
      This post isn’t about my natural mom at all. It’s really more about the lack of appropriate books to help kids deal with IA.

      I am sorry for the loss of your son. I am sure he does not blame you as I do not blame my natural mom. I do not know why he is rejecting you. If I had the opportunity to have a reunion, I would jump at it. I have said a few times that I believe that societal pressures were a large part of the reasons I was relinquished. Hopefully one day I will have the chance to find out what the real reasons were! I miss and love my natural mom very much and I am sorry if that is not very evident by this post. I sympathize very much with the pain of natural moms. In fact, I think the pain that adoptees and natural moms experience is similar and somewhat parallel.

      I wish you peace and that hopefully your son will come around and realize that he has a mom who loves him very much waiting for a relationship.

      Thanks for reading my blog,
      Katie

      Reply

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