Forgiveness

June 10, 2009 at 11:58 am Leave a comment

beautiful_night_time_pan_on_the_ocean_in_bc

Forgiveness is not really as much about the other person as we think it is. It is really more about us and our own internal struggle to make peace with our anger and hurt. To be able to forgive someone does not mean you forget. Nor does it mean that you have to love that person or welcome them back into a position where they could hurt you again.

Forgiveness is about love of self. How long will I allow this pain that someone else has caused me to hurt me? How far will I go to remain angry as time passes only to hurt myself? No one can feel my anger and sadness except for me. The people who have hurt me aren’t suffering, only I am.

To forgive my parents for all of the things they have done wrong is not to let them off the hook. Instead it is to clear out the space in my heart that the anger was taking up so that I am able to love more wholly and to give myself some much needed peace. If I harbor ill will, hatred, and anger in my heart I can only expect to get as much back from the world. To me, forgiving those who have hurt me the most is about relieving my burden so I can attract more light in my life.

I have forgiven my mother for abandoning me. I do not know her so I do not know the circumstances she was in at the time she decided to surrender me. Maybe she did not live through child birth and the choice to separate me from my natural family and culture was not hers at all. Either way, I’ve felt for my whole life that she failed me. I forgive her for her choice, for her mistake.

In order to really get anywhere with forgiveness and really take a leap to become FREE in my life I need to forgive myself. That’s where the trouble lies. As much anger that I have felt towards my mother for abandoning me, I felt twice that towards myself for not being good enough for her.

Some days I think I can forgive myself. Others I am not sure. How can I forgive myself for not being good enough for her when I really need to hear her say it? I need to hear her say that it wasn’t me that wasn’t good enough, it was her. I need her to hold me, to brush away my tears and tell me that she forgives me. Part of me might be missing until that happens. If it doesn’t happen, it might be gone forever.

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Entry filed under: Forgiveness, Loss.

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