Letters/Forgiveness

May 13, 2009 at 9:46 pm Leave a comment

love-letters

I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot today. Not my adoptive mom, my natural mom.

When I was twelve or so, I decided I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I would become a journalist and write for all of the major newspapers and magazines. I would travel the world, pen in hand, and my words would make me famous. I practiced different types of writing techniques, one of which was a school assignment to write a letter to someone from the past who you would like to meet.

It was from that assignment that I wrote my very own “dear birthmother” letter. It makes me sad to think of my naievete back then. I wrote my mother a letter where I actually THANKED her for “giving me up” so that I could have a “better life”. I had to believe those things at that time because I don’t think I could have emotionally understood any other deeper things regarding adoption. Childhood was a little too rough on me for me to go too deep into anything.

My letters were random and usually written when I felt alone or sad or particularly ungrateful. They eventually morphed into angry letters where I said little else but to ask why I wasn’t good enough for her.

Today if I wrote her a letter I am not sure what I would say. There are many things, too many, that I could never express to her. I would never tell her how badly our separation has hurt me. I would never hurt her like that. I would not tell her about the nights that I have cried missing her or about the times that I felt like shit who was not even worthy of her mother’s love. I would not want my mother to be any sadder than I am sure she is, and I would not want her to feel any more guilt than I suppose she does.

But what if I meet her and she decides she did the right thing? What if she is glad she did not have me in her life to hold her back? What if she is glad she was rid of such a heavy burden? I can’t imagine how double rejection has to feel. To know once and for all that she does not love you and never has might hurt worse than never knowing. How could I live with myself if the person who made me cannot love me?

If I wrote her now, my letters would be from a place of forgiveness. I am the kind of person who will be quick to get angry, but will forgive almost anything within a certain amount of time.   I am quick to anger, but just as quick to mellow. If I can completely forgive my mother, I can start to forgive myself.

What am I forgiving myself for? My biggest sin. My darkest secret. I have to forgive myself for having been unworthy of love. Once I forgive myself, my life will change. People will not leave me. I will be whole. Unafraid.

I’m not yet ready to write her another letter. I will write again when I can tell her that I have forgiven myself.

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Entry filed under: Loss, Mothers.

Five Things I Would Like My Natural Mother to Know Five Things I’d Want my Adoptive Mom to Know, but Will Probably Never Say to Her Face

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