Five Things I’d Want my Adoptive Mom to Know, but Will Probably Never Say to Her Face

May 13, 2009 at 9:55 pm 4 comments

Call me a coward if you like, but there are a few things I can’t say to my mom. What can I say? I have an unusually strong aversion to rejection. Don’t know where it comes from…

1. I can love both of you. Seriously. In fact I can love you, stepmom, and natural mom. Differently, uniquely, and wholly. Please don’t make me choose between you.

2. Who I am before I was with you is just as important to my life as who you were before you adopted me.

3. I swear I’m not trying to hurt you by searching. But you’re killing me by making me feel guilty.

4. Please admit you adopted my sister and I because you could not have children. It seems to me that saying you just wanted to help kids have a better life is a shallow premise cooked up considering we were poor as dirt for most of my childhood. It’s ok. Just be honest about it.

5. I can’t live the rest of my life trying to please you so you won’t leave me. It’s exhausting.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Letters/Forgiveness Tough Love

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mei-Ling  |  May 14, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    “I swear I’m not trying to hurt you by searching. But you’re killing me by making me feel guilty.”

    Then TELL her this! You canNOT live feeling like this for the rest of your life!

    • 2. kateiskate  |  May 15, 2009 at 6:59 am

      That’s just the thing. I can’t. She’d deny trying to make me feel guilty and ask me what was wrong with me for needing to search. I’m just trying to keep the peace by keeping everything to myself.

  • 3. heartmama  |  May 21, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    I don’t know your mom and I’ve only just read this one post of yours, but I wondered if perhaps you and your adoptive mom differ in your definition of “a better life”. Perhaps she sincerely means what she says, but doesn’t base her definition of “a better life” on financial status, as you apparently do. I say this as someone who grew up in a (very) upper middle class family but now lives at a significantly lower financial status with complete contentment. As far back as middle school I can remember explaining to my parents that “a good life” to me, didn’t necessarily mean living at the level of lifestyle they felt was necessary to be happy. They still don’t completely understand that. But when *I* say “a better life” I mean love, stability, loyalty, understanding, a sense of safety, compassion, ….all those things that come with knowing there is a someone you can always rely on, someone to talk to, someone to come home to, parents who will do whatever it takes to give that child what they need (if not always what they want), …. what a family should be, regardless of their financial situation.
    Again, I don’t know you or your mom. I just thought a new perspective might be helpful.
    I’m sorry that your relationship with your mom is so painful right now. I hope that you will eventually find a way to talk to her, communicate with her, in a way that will heal the wounds you’re clearly feeling and hopefully even strengthen your relationship. Perhaps a counselor, a third party in the room, could help make that conversation easier when you’re ready. Just a thought.

    • 4. kateiskate  |  May 21, 2009 at 7:35 pm

      Well….You may want to read some of my other posts to get an understanding of some of my odd relationship with my adoptive mom. I love her to pieces but we have a checkered history together. I think she believes what she says about trying to give me a better life, I really do. But our past is complicated and difficult and can’t be compressed into a couple blog entries.

      On another note, I definitely DON’T base my definition of a good life on financial status. Anyone who knows me could tell you that. I’m not sure where you got that assumption about me, but you are mistaken. I appreciate the little things in my life and have worked hard for the few material possesions I own. I was not adopted into a priveleged family. I was taught to work hard for anything worth having and that is a lesson I have taken to heart.

      I appreciate your perspective (as what? adoptive parent? adoptee?) and respect your opinion about my life, but at this point these are things I am not ready to say to my adoptive mom because even as an adult I still fear my mom will find a reason not to love me and will abandon me.


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