Archive for March, 2009

A Reunion Rollercoaster of Emotions

FlowersWatching others successfully find reunion with their natural parents brings out a lot of different emotions in me.

First there is happiness for my fellow adoptee and her mother. There are few moments in life that are more poignant than that of separated mother and daughter finally reuniting.

Second there is sadness. As beautiful as reunion is, this mother and daughter should never have been separated. I was born to be my mother’s daughter. We were separated. Every time I think about reunion all I can think is that we never should have been separated to begin with. That I was meant to be hers and she was meant to be mine.

 

Third there is a strong sense of guilt. Even though I know that I can love my adoptive mom and my first mom equally and separately I still am worried that my adoptive mom will feel I am betraying her by wanting this reunion so desperately. I worry that she will think that she is not good enough and that I do not forgive her for her mistakes. The guilt is a thick layer of skin I wear all of the time. Every thought I have missing my mother, hating adoption, needing reunion, I grow another layer of guilt.

 

Fourth there is anger. And a hell of a lot of anger. I don’t even really know exactly who I should be angry with! I am angry that I am put in this position of having to daydream about who my mother is as if I am Cinderella or another motherless fairy tale character. I am angry that I feel guilty, angry that I don’t know where I came from and most of all, angry that no one has ever cared that I lost my mom. I am mad as hell that I should have to wonder and hope to one day be reunited with her. More than anything I wish that I could be normal and flip past adoption specials on TV like it’s nothing. Instead, I’m a freak who cries every time she catches a whiff of abandonment in a movie or on tv.

 

The fifth thing I feel is jealousy. I  feel terrible for being so petty but I am ridiculously jealous of the adoptees I know who are in reunion. Even if their reunion is shitty I feel like they are so much better off than I am. Why? The unknown KILLS me. I’ve been like that my entire life. I always want to know where I am going, what I am doing, when I am doing it, and who I will be doing it with. As much as I love to know, it feels like I HAVE to know in order to function. I am desperate to know where I came from and would do crazy things in order to find out a piece of who I am.

 

I am a roller coaster of long buried emotions when it comes to adoption. And I don’t know if that will ever go away.

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March 30, 2009 at 2:52 pm 3 comments


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